Live Aloha |September 16, 2020

Wife Appreciation Day (sept 19th 2021)

Do you appreciate your wife?  Does your wife hear that you appreciate her often enough?

You may ask why a “coffee-themed” blog is writing about Wife Appreciation Day. I hopefully have good reasons which will become clear as we move forward. First, know that my wife is an all-day coffee drinker. I guestimate about 3-4 cups on average. She can drink a cup at 10PM and sleep like a baby. I have always envied that about her as if I drink coffee at such a late hour, I am literally up all night questioning every choice I have ever made.  By the way, don’t ever make fun of your wife’s choices, because you are one of them.

Thank You, Dear

My wife looks at her coffee as a sort of escape. She will sit, ignore the world for 15 minutes, and slowly sip her coffee. It transports her to a place I have never been invited to, but a place I know she is seemingly content. So, I don’t interfere.  I, on the other hand, being the consummate multi-tasker, am always sipping my cup while engaged in other activities.

My wife also makes the best cup of coffee. No Joke. I work with coffee professionals every day, attend cuppings and coffee events and watch YouTube videos on making coffee, and am an avid experimenter with my coffee making, but her cups consistently taste better.

I used to think that it was because she is a professional baker, and bakers have a meticulous, scientific, attention to detail. (Partially that’s true) I have come to believe, however, that there is an intangible “better-ness” to her cups of coffee simply because she is part of the process.

Let me explain.

Scouring the internet for husbands’ comments about why they appreciate their wives, I came across thousands of moving and caring comments:

“Her insight into our kids and friends”
“Her humor and sensitivity”
“She sees me in a more positive way than I see myself”
“She keeps me honest and focused and out of trouble”
“Her ability to cut through the BS and see reality”
“She gives her all every day to our family”

If I could summarize all of these comments in a single sentiment it would be:

“She makes my life better.”

And Therein Lies the Crux

I am the first to admit that relationships are complex and that there will always be ups and downs, bumps in the road, and such, but in a truly committed relationship, the reward is a better and more fulfilled life experience.

Intimacy over time breeds an unfolding of your inner being and essence. In that regard, you are able to learn as much about yourself as you do about your partner. You come to see the world through another set of eyes and can be truly “seen” by another human.

Psychology Today notes that sustained intimacy (physical, emotional, spiritual) creates contentment, wholeness, happiness, empowerment, a sense of peace, and general well-being.

Intimacy has several pre-requisites (among them safety, trust, self-awareness, reciprocity, openness) but most experts agree that there is a magic key that opens the door to true intimacy, that being “authenticity.”

In this case, authenticity is being wholly you, being able to share in the moment the way you are feeling in complete honesty without fear of judgment. Having those feelings reflected back to you, without a sugar-coating, and being able to accept that two souls can exist with deep connection, while honoring the differences between them. This strengthens trust, mutual understanding, and deepens the relationship.

Hopefully, I haven’t gone completely off the rails here.

Back to that delicious cup of coffee my wife makes. I can’t help but wonder if all of the enhancements to my life experiences through our relationship do not somehow infuse that cup of coffee. Does my appreciation of those things also change the way I experience it?

Appreciating Wife

Wife Appreciation Day doesn’t rival the fame and notoriety of Mother’s Day or Valentine’s but it should. In the words of Margaret Cousins:

“Appreciation can change a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.”

I’d venture to say that daily moments of appreciation truly lift a relationship. Just remember that “authenticity” is the key. Flattery and empty gestures without true sentiment don’t substitute for honest and heartfelt appreciation. Listed amongst ways to show appreciation are:

Quality time together
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Acts of service

Please consider these as you honor your wife on September 20th.

Show me the Money

Back to my coffee theme for the day. Whenever I think of my wife, somehow “money” always rears its head. I don’t intend for that to happen but in our modern world, a couple’s relationship to their money has come to be a make-or-break component to the success of a relationship.

According to a 2018 Ramsey Solutions Survey, “money fights” rank second to “infidelity” as causes of divorce.  Arguing about money puts all sorts of cracks in a relationship, increases stress, creates mistrust, and can lead to resentment.  Love it or hate it, it is important.

Many years ago, when my wife and I had three young kids, we made the decision that my wife would be a stay at home mom. We looked at our priorities, life goals, and although we understood it meant a more frugal path, we were both ok with it.

There were certain things that I didn’t want to sacrifice. I wanted to drink a couple of beers after work. I am a cheese nut and trying unique, sometimes expensive cheeses gives my life meaning. My wife felt the same way about her specialty coffee and “organic” foods. All of these things interfered with our budget and one day we sat down to see how much we spent on these items on a “per cup, per serving” basis.

A Reasonable Investment

I won’t bore you with the whole budget but we found that specialty coffee, although seemingly expensive, is very reasonable when broken down by cost.

At the Golden ratio of 16:1, one pound of coffee produces roughly 45 six-ounce cups of coffee.

For specialty coffee like 100% Kona, it averages at about $40 a pound. That works out to about 88 cents a cup. That is very reasonable. Even our most expensive rare varietals like Kona grown Gesha coffee which sells (and sells out) at $100 per pound, we are looking at $2.25 a cup. Certainly, an indulgence but not like a $100 bottle of champagne.

You can also reduce that number by being in a coffee club. For example, if you get a one-pound Medium Roast 100% Kona ($36.95 regular) at the club discount ($33.25) you are talking about $.74 a cup for some of the best coffee in the world.

Of course, these numbers could be reduced significantly by drinking lower quality coffee, but knowing that you are drinking something you truly enjoy aids in the daily creation of joy.  As far as I am concerned, there are far more expensive habits, and so my wife has been able to enjoy her coffee at the highest level. I know it makes a difference in her feeling appreciated and satisfied and it didn’t break the bank.  Happy wife, happy life.

That’s all for today. If you are a wife, have a wonderful day, and thanks for all you do. If you are a husband, just imagine life without her and ask yourself how you would be diminished. Then tell her.

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